The Lojie Awards 2010

So it's a award season for film, meaning I have an excuse now to spout off about Oscar-bait movies. Not that I need one. I'm sure I'm one of the most annoying people to sit through a cinematic experience with, because my film school education has made me feel entitled to whispering a constant stream of my analysis and snarkage to whoever I'm with. So while you're not trying to enjoy a movie, I'll unload my opinions of the award contenders (or non-contenders) now. Without reference to who and what I think will actually win the SAGs/Globes/Oscars/Spirits/etc., here are my picks this season:

Best Emotional Breakdown – Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air” Trust me, it’s pretty funny.

Most Annoying Emotional Breakdown – Amy Adams, “Julie & Julia” Sorry that you feel like a failure because you’ve attempted the horribly complicated endeavor of cooking weird and extravagant things every day and MIGHT not get a book deal. Oh wait. You have a job. You have an apartment. You have a husband who puts up with your crap. And your misery is self-imposed. I don’t feel sorry for you at all.

Best Fight Scenes – “Sherlock Holmes” As convincing as the puppies in “New Moon” were...

Best Romantic Tension – Ron and Hermione, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” As convincing as Taylor Lautner is...

Best Use of Ikea – “(500) Days of Summer”

Best Use of Woody Harrelson – “Zombieland” Also, best use of a banjo.

Best Use of Texas – “Whip It!”

Most Heartwenching – “Precious”

Best Cameo – “Zombieland” I can’t even tell you who it is. The surprise is THAT good.

Best Wedding Scene – “Away We Go”

Best Olive Garden Commercial – “Nine” trailer

Best Screenplay – Quentin Tarantino, “Inglourious Basterds” With one of the best female characters (Shosanna) I’ve ever read.

Best Direction – Kathryn Bigelow, “The Hurt Locker” I can’t imagine the many long tension-laden scenes popped much on the page, but they’re incredibly engaging played out on screen.

Best Throwaway Lines – “The Hangover” “But there are Skittles in there!”

Best Depiction of Grief – “Up”

Best Naked Scene – “The Proposal” And it’s not because of how good the stars look.

Best Subtlety - Sandra Bullock, "The Blindside"

Hokiest Adaptation – “The Lovely Bones”

Strangest Response to “I’m having an affair with my ex-husband.” – “It’s Complicated” Seriously. Calm down, Rita Wilson.

Best Villain – Helena Bonham Carter, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” I can’t imagine this part being played better by anyone else. Close runner-up is Christoph Waltz for "Ingloruious Basterds." If I made any Best Actor calls, he'd be in the bunch.

Most Intriguing Trailer – “A Single Man”

Best Movie Theater Commentary – My Father, saying “I’d like to see him try that with a Hungarian Horntail” while watching the trailer to “How to Train Your Dragon”

Most Irrelevant Screenplay – “Avatar” Sure, it has pretty much the same story as “Pocahontas,” “Fern Gully,” and about 20 other movies. And sure, it gets a little tedious and predictable around the third hour mark. But at that point, who cares?